I was born and raised in Manchester Twp, NJ. I lived about 10-15 miles from the beach my whole life! Loved every minute of it... Then I went to college in Philadelphia and finally grad school in AZ. Met a guy, got married. He is from California and had lived in AZ for almost 15 years. We started dating in February 2008 and about a month into it, he informed me, "don't worry, I'm staying in AZ... Didn't get the job in Sacramento... By the way, I hate AZ..."
So after we were married and driving to San Diego for our honeymoon, I made sure we not only had the conversation (again) but this time finished it. Where are we going if we aren't staying in AZ?
His family is in northern California and mine is in New Jersey. We wanted to move closer to someone's family but how do you decide? We started with a 5 hour radius from where our parents lived.... And ended up picking CA. We worked on that plan for about 8 months, before we visited NJ in January of 2011 and decided to put the greater Philadelphia area on our map of possibilities. As it turns out, he really wanted to move back east. I've lived in the east and the west and he's only lived in the west so sure, let's go east.
I think I kept envisioning Philadelphia or Toms River as where we would end up. I was ok with either of those locations. In fact, I was super excited about them!! SO close to my family (TR) or SO close to my friends and my favorite city (Philly). And the beach!! Of course, the beach!! Then....
"How would you like to live in Paramus?"
Ummmmm, that's north Jersey... I said this as if he would just understand. North Jersey. So, no, I don't want to live there. There was a great job there... Moving to Manhattan... Great opportunities... NYC?!?! NO. I'm not living in NYC. You can commute from NJ to NYC... Well now doesn't that sound simple?!?! (It's not... That will probably come up later...)
I feel like this all happened so quickly and I was left standing there trying to formulate the words but only random muted-ish sounds would come out of my mouth.
Dec/Jan... So we'll move in the Fall. Ok, I'll let Kristina know (landlord).
Feb... East Coast it is!! We should start looking for places to live you know... Well, wait until we know exactly where husband will be working... Ok, but we really need to start as soon as possible... It's not easy to get a place in NJ. Mom excited but doesn't really believe we are doing this...
Mar... Do you know yet? Cause I need to start looking.... Do we have a plan? (I didn't know I needed to come up with the plan. I knew WE needed to. Just didn't realize it was going to fall into my lap.) Mom still doesn't believe this is happening. Dad wondering how he can help.
Apr/May/June... We have to be out July 1st. Landlord coming back. Can you get a job that early? Ok, well I'll drive my car out in June and find us a place to live. Mom now realizes it's for real. Dad not able to come out to AZ on short notice. I decide to drive car across country (since we had 3 vehicles) and leave it in NJ and hopefully find a place to live. I realize that I have no idea about north Jersey at all... Hell starting to break loose...
June... Get to NJ and get slapped in the face by reality. Knew this was going to happen BUT, we can't afford to live in the perfect location right across the river. Can't afford to rent a house. No apartments will rent to people with dogs and we can't afford that anyway. Rent + transportation on the train is astronomical. (We aren't in AZ anymore Toto...) Realizing we are screwed and the job still isn't 100% yet. Hell continues to break loose and the mental break down starts...
Yeah, I think it was in June that the mental started. My job was crazy until May 20th so I wasn't able to freak out about this as much. I mean, I certainly did, but the present took precedence over of the future. But sitting in the backyard of my parents was the first break down. I don't want to live in north Jersey. I don't want to live in an apartment. I don't want to do laundry with my neighbors. An apartment for our dogs is crazy. This sucks.
And I don't find a place for us to live. Back to AZ I go. Defeated. I don't want to move.
As things begin unfolding, I do what I do best and deal with the most pressing issue first. We are going to be homeless as of July 1st. And there might not be a job in NYC. We should stay in AZ for a few months. My first "solution" was to stay in AZ. I thought, maybe God is telling me something. Maybe this is where my jobs flourish and Paul loses his and can stay home with the dogs (his dream). Perfect. "I cannot stay in AZ any longer!" The anguish in his eyes, his voice... I knew we were going somewhere and it wasn't Tempe. The strength of his conviction to leave AZ, I realize now, is the strength of conviction that I didn't want to live in north Jersey. I really didn't want to move at all, to be honest. But marriage means sacrifice right?
Trying to pack up that house, load up a truck, unpack the truck because it doesn't all fit, reload a truck, jam it all in and get on the road before a looming deadline took their toll. But, you get over that mountain and look, it's July 1st, 6:35 am and we have to leave. So we hit the road...
Driving out of that neighborhood... It hit me then... I was going to miss that place. My friends, the relationships... But you can't drive with tears. They make the road pretty fuzzy. So buck up, eyes front, and follow that big Penske truck up to Flagstaff, onto NM, through TX and Oklahoma, past Arkansas and through TN, VA and PA. Last stop, NJ!
All the while thinking, I don't want to do this. Why am I doing this? How did it come to this?
So we got here and found an apartment. But, I don't want to live in an apartment.
So I hate the apartment. It's small, nothing fits. The dogs have no room to run around free. I have to take them out anytime they need to go out. I have to share laundry with strangers. It's expensive. The neighbors are noisy and so close to us. I don't know anything about north Jersey so I'm forced to learn a whole new area. We can't afford cable so no TV.
I know Ocean County. I wanted to live in Ocean County because it is familiar to me. When I agreed to move, I thought I would be in Philly or Ocean County. I was ok with that. I'm NOT OK with Piscataway.
Paul commutes 1-2 hours to work. That's one way! And here's a kicker to everything else... His shift?!?! 3rd shift. Are you ******* kidding me? I think that's what I said when he told me. So just another bombshell. I have some issues. Being left at home alone overnight is not conducive with my issues. I was pissed. But at that stage of the game, WTF can I do about it? I'm not getting anything out of this now, so....
Well, I mean, I get to see my parents a lot more. And I get to see my brother's family a lot more. Both of which are nice. My mom keeps saying how nice it is to have me home. And yeah it's nice, but more and more, it's becoming the only good thing about this move. The ONLY good thing.
I didn't want to move out of AZ. It's not that I didn't want to move to NJ or be closer to my family. Yes, I wanted both of those but moreso? I didn't want to move at all... to anywhere. I was ok in AZ. I had things in AZ. I had a life in AZ... friends, a growing business, a job sorta....
I don't have anything in NJ.
I really think that people believe I brought Paul here. The truth of the matter is that HE brought ME here. And now I'm trying to make the best of it, but I'm miserable. I hate it here.
I hate it here.
I hate it here.
I HATE IT HERE!
When does it start to get better......................
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